So I met a guy at the bar last night from Eritrea (it’s north of Ethiopia in case you didn’t know) (this is also the second guy from Africa I’ve met in like a week which is pretty cool). Well the first thing he did was offer me fries and the second thing he did was buy me a beer.
We all know food and beer are the way into my heart.
Anyway he was interesting but he did most of the talking which is kind of a turn off for me. I mean he had interesting things to say but I really didn’t get to say much until he started asking me what I liked in guys and my previous lovers and what I liked in bed and stuff. Which is okay, he wasn’t bad looking.
But the thing is after we went to Taco Bell (because it’s my favorite drunk food) he offered to buy me a cab home. But Taco Bell isn’t far for me so I just told him I could walk. He said he’d walk me home and well I thought that when guys do that they intend to come inside and sleep with you and so that’s what I expected and I wouldn’t have said no because he was decent looking. But instead when we got to my door he just kissed me and took my number and gave me his.
He wants to hang out Saturday but I’m not sure. The whole he didn’t really let me talk thing was weird and I really stressed the fact that I’m not looking for anything monogamous or long term right now. I don’t know what to do…
I don’t why people sleep with me I’m pretty sure I have the sex appeal of a dead rabbit. Unless people are into dead rabbits.
Hit me up if you are I guess.
I’ve realized that I’ve learned a few lessons and I realize what’s going on in my life somewhat. I usually clean up my act fairly decent when a guy stays in my life not that I need a guy around but I know that being fucked up all the time usually makes them leave.
Usually when they leave I can get by because I have a support systems. But now I just feel like all my friends have either set up camp inside their boyfriend’s anus or they are at all the bar or doing drugs all the time. And I don’t have my cats here. Or my parents.
I’m really lonely and I don’t know have anyone to fix that. Not even a friend really. I mean they are there but it just tends to feel distant. I don’t necessarily need a guy in my life but I do need a support system.
I’ve really been craving pills lately and I’ve done them the past few days. I’m all out now after I did two lines like 2 hours ago. It’s just when you are so used to hiding everything with food, drugs or booze and then you’re left alone with your thoughts too long and your fears and insecurities sometimes it feels like no one else will listen but them.
Sometimes I get so alone I don’t want to see anyone so I can just get fucked up by myself. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I want to talk to people about it but everyone always says the same thing. I know I need to stop okay I’m not stupid. I realize what I’m doing. I don’t want you to try to coddle me or try to give me the attention you think I’m craving. I for the most part enjoy life. I love my family. I love my pets. I love my major (though I get stressed with schoolwork but who doesn’t?), I have an idea of the life I want in the future, I have good friends, I have activities I like to do and places I like to go but I still can’t shake these demons.
I wish I knew why. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to shorten my life. I want to be better but I can’t always find a reason to be. But right now I know that I’m lonely and confused and I keep turning to the drugs because of that. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the bars too. So much so that the place I always go no longer charges me cover and all the employees know who I am. I find some comfort in that though. I can always go to the bar and have people there who will know me. I can vent or just sit in silence. There is also no judgement and they take care of me.
I don’t know exactly who or what I need right now, I just know it’s missing.
So I spent my afternoon watching Final 24 of Janis Joplin, River Phoenix and Sid Vicious. As I watched their friends talk about them and the last bits of their lives and the emotions that still are just as strong made me think.
No one really thinks about what their friends and family would do when they are lining up their drugs, doing them, experiencing them because at that moment the drugs are your friends and family.
I said I wouldn’t do heroin while my mother was still alive so she wouldn’t have to lose someone else to it. You know her losing her best friend to an overdose. But does that stop me from doing other destructive things?
Absolutely not. Why? I don’t know. I know the ramifications of all my poor and destructive decisions and it hurts me to see other people’s friends and family mourn them but I don’t stop. I don’t think it couldn’t happen to me, there have been moments where I felt like things were going physically wrong with my body but I have never stopped.
Maybe they’ll kill me. Maybe they won’t.
Maybe I’ll find a reason to stop entirely one day.
It’s always a gamble and I’m too young to care and that’s exactly what happened to them.
Well I really fucked up.
Hit my boy in the face. (my friends told me the next morning)
Don’t know why. (we were talking alone but he’s ignoring me and they don’t know what we said)
Fucked some guy I literally found on the street walking home. (now he keeps texting me)
This time I really have no schemes to fix my shit.
I shouldn’t be allowed to write instruction sets, especially for recipes, because this is my step one:
And this was my ingredients list.
· The butter
· Baby carrots because they’re smaller and easier to eat when you have leftovers
· Some celery (again you can always eat it later and we all know we’re starving)
· Mushrooms – the kind that come already sliced, why work for it?
· Italian seasoning (hear me out here, it has basil AND oregano and some other stuff more bang for your buck here)
· The flour (it seems really unnecessary but you’ll find some other use for it right? Or else take it home and have your mom make you cookies with it.)
· We got vegetable broth but really whatever broth you want is fine.
· Of course beer, but get a lot because why cook with beer if you aren’t drinking it?
· Velveeta, get the pound.
· We got the four 4 cheese Mexican blend bag because what is better than one kind of cheese? A bunch of other kinds of cheese.
· Garlic salt, it’s the best seasoning ever.
· Crushed red peppers – for the kick
Dropping acid the night before an exam…probably not one of my better ideas.
But the trip was too awesome for me to even regret it.
After this test I’m gonna blow a kpin watch some It’s Always Sunny and then sleep it out.
Staying in tonight working on projects that are due next week and playing the Sims. Sounds wonderful to me.
So I went to a vegan baking party last night at my friend’s apartment and she was telling me that the baking club on campus wouldn’t let teach them baking recipes or accept our offer to the speaker around the benefits of a plant based diet because they hold seminars are why meat is so important…
THE BAKING CLUB…
Smh. I meet some good people here but sometimes I really wonder why I didn’t go to the little hippie school in NC where they have their own greenhouses and farm and all their food is grown there and they have a separate veg cafe and the people were all wonderful and I could have majored in conservation biology and minored in peace and justice studies.
I really dislike 98% of the population here… /:
Watching too much porn lately..
false, there is no such thing as too much porn