Finally got the alcohol from a blow job I gave..pretty sure he said a handle and bought me a fifth  it’s not like I finished the BJ

My roommate just asked me if I wanted a present and gave me 4 Concerta in a blue metallic Easter egg. Best thing to come home from work to.

Well guys it’s over. My little angel is now a real angel. Her cries of pain while we were sitting in the grieving room before it happened for my last hour with her reassured me that this was the right decision. It was quick and peaceful. Her ashes will be returned to me in a few days and then we can be together again always like we used to be. All of my friends and family have been super supportive during this and I made sure that she knew how much she was loved by everyone.

I hope you are doing better now little girl, nothing can hurt you anymore.

You were not only the best god damn cat there ever was but you were my best friend and my baby. I love you so much and just because you aren’t physically here anymore doesn’t mean I love you any less. No other cat will ever replace you. I love you so much. Rest easy baby cat.

My best friend since I was 5, the best listener ever, the only living thing I love more than anything, my little angel, my baby. She has cancer and fluid in her lungs. We’re sitting in the grieving room now while I decide when I want to do this. She’s crawling all over the couches and sitting in the window purring which is making it so difficult. But her prognosis is not good if we try surgery she could go during anesthesia. I don’t want her to go without me there.

I saw a kid today that looked like this guy I saw in a porno. I remembered the bad teeth.

Guys she’s all cuddled up in my clothes on the floor I just took off. I’m assuming she misses me as much as I miss her. I don’t want to go back to college. I think I’m going to take some time off in May in spend it with her I wish I could take some time off sooner I wish I could back and take more time off. I really need her back in my life. She’s so beautiful. I just love her so much.

So I came home today to find out that my cat I’ve had since I was 5 is sick and my parents just like didn’t tell me. She put on some weight and she’s like breathing heavy and her meows are weak and I’m like crying my eyes out and the freaking on call vet hasn’t called me back yet. I realize that she is like 15 going on 16 but the fact that my mom has come into my room multiple times to fucking say well you know she is getting old.

Like holy fuck mom I know can you just shut the fuck up and not remind me that I could be on the verge of losing the best friend I’ve ever fucking had.

My cat is sleeping at the edge of my bed now quietly purring. I wanna pick her up and hold her so bad but if I move her around too much her breathing gets too heavy. This sucks. I’m crying and I don’t want her to be upset. It’s not like I didn’t know this day would come but I don’t like seeing her anything but perfect. She’s my little baby, my little angel, my child, my best friend. I wish I could have taken her to school with me after spending every day together until I left for college.

I miss her so much and I just want to be with her every day again.
I don’t know what to do. I mean she’s eating fine and stuff but she’s definitely not the same cat…I love her so much. I can’t even think of what to do. I just wanna hold her and cuddle her and have it all be okay again.

She is just my best god damn friend and I love her so fucking much. I can’t even.

So I met a guy at the bar last night from Eritrea (it’s north of Ethiopia in case you didn’t know) (this is also the second guy from Africa I’ve met in like a week which is pretty cool). Well the first thing he did was offer me fries and the second thing he did was buy me a beer.

We all know food and beer are the way into my heart.

Anyway he was interesting but he did most of the talking which is kind of a turn off for me. I mean he had interesting things to say but I really didn’t get to say much until he started asking me what I liked in guys and my previous lovers and what I liked in bed and stuff. Which is okay, he wasn’t bad looking.

But the thing is after we went to Taco Bell (because it’s my favorite drunk food) he offered to buy me a cab home. But Taco Bell isn’t far for me so I just told him I could walk. He said he’d walk me home and well I thought that when guys do that they intend to come inside and sleep with you and so that’s what I expected and I wouldn’t have said no because he was decent looking. But instead when we got to my door he just kissed me and took my number and gave me his.

He wants to hang out Saturday but I’m not sure. The whole he didn’t really let me talk thing was weird and I really stressed the fact that I’m not looking for anything monogamous or long term right now. I don’t know what to do…

I don’t why people sleep with me I’m pretty sure I have the sex appeal of a dead rabbit. Unless people are into dead rabbits.

Hit me up if you are I guess.

I’ve realized that I’ve learned a few lessons and I realize what’s going on in my life somewhat. I usually clean up my act fairly decent when a guy stays in my life not that I need a guy around but I know that being fucked up all the time usually makes them leave.

Usually when they leave I can get by because I have a support systems. But now I just feel like all my friends have either set up camp inside their boyfriend’s anus or they are at all the bar or doing drugs all the time. And I don’t have my cats here. Or my parents.

I’m really lonely and I don’t know have anyone to fix that. Not even a friend really. I mean they are there but it just tends to feel distant. I don’t necessarily need a guy in my life but I do need a support system.

I’ve really been craving pills lately and I’ve done them the past few days. I’m all out now after I did two lines like 2 hours ago. It’s just when you are so used to hiding everything with food, drugs or booze and then you’re left alone with your thoughts too long and your fears and insecurities sometimes it feels like no one else will listen but them.

Sometimes I get so alone I don’t want to see anyone so I can just get fucked up by myself. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I want to talk to people about it but everyone always says the same thing. I know I need to stop okay I’m not stupid. I realize what I’m doing. I don’t want you to try to coddle me or try to give me the attention you think I’m craving. I for the most part enjoy life. I love my family. I love my pets. I love my major (though I get stressed with schoolwork but who doesn’t?), I have an idea of the life I want in the future, I have good friends, I have activities I like to do and places I like to go but I still can’t shake these demons.

I wish I knew why. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to shorten my life. I want to be better but I can’t always find a reason to be. But right now I know that I’m lonely and confused and I keep turning to the drugs because of that. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the bars too. So much so that the place I always go no longer charges me cover and all the employees know who I am. I find some comfort in that though. I can always go to the bar and have people there who will know me. I can vent or just sit in silence. There is also no judgement and they take care of me.

I don’t know exactly who or what I need right now, I just know it’s missing.